Martial Rantists:

The (In)complete Martial Law.

Shanghai Express

June 4, 2001 AD
      Umbrella plot bad guy Lee Hei:
      Grace Chen (AKA Chen Pei Pei):
      Dana Dixon:
      Sammo's Sage Wisdom of the Week:
      Sammo's Effective Questioning Technique of the Week:

August 3, 2001 AD
      Trimming the fat:
      How quickly I forget:
      Come on down! No, not you.
      Occam's Razor:
      Quotes of the Moment:
      Interracial bad guys:
      We might be evil, but we respect the sanctity of marriage:
      Where's your cute little sailor's hat?
      He don't know Hawaiian, I don't know Ebonics:
      Gratuitous Ratings Moment:
      Deep Meaningful Shoulder:
      Si. Oui. Hell, yeah.
      :uH ylleK

Diamond Fever

June 5, 2001 AD
      Is the Winship sinking?
      Sammo's Effective Questioning Technique of the Week:
      Louis Malone's Effective Questioning Technique of the Week:
      It's not a v-ay-se, it's a v-ah-ze!

August 7, 2001 AD
      Day-off, me say daaaay-off, daylight come and me wanna go home:
      Ma Ma!
      Fancy a quickie?
      Gratuitous Ratings Moment:
      Dove show-p:
      Hasbro toys:
      Very good accent!
      Don't I have them on some vinyl?
      Falling down the cucumber:
      Adversarial faults:
      Body count time:
      Who's your tailor?
      Hot and cold:
      Real cold:
      Short-term memory:
      Gotta love that solo:

Dead Ringers

June 6, 2001 AD
      Calling a twentysomething by the name "Pei Pei" is a bit silly, isn't it?
      Do you really think this episode was cowritten by Carlton Cuse?
      I lived on the streets of Shanghai with no family. My father wasn't too happy with that.
      It's like watching a train that's about to derail, really.

Not August 8, 2001 AD
      Oops, they did it again:
      God, I hate <BLINK> tags. I'd never use them. Except for subliminal fanboy messages.
      "Zenmaster flash" was an observation, not an insult:
      It's a shape. Round.
      At least it's not angst:
      Some people never learn:
      Another Hasbro moment:
      Be a dear, Dana, and open the curtains:
      No deals. Unless you say "please".
      Hey teach:
      Deep Meaningful Speech:
      Ah, why not kill me:
      Romancing the Malone, the prequel:
      Stun gun fun:
      Oh, like yours is so much better.
      Make a fist. A really good fist.
      I'm not bleeding, I'm just dead.
      I wonder if he has his own fangirls?
      Yet another Diet Coke reference.

October 27, 2001 AD
      ... or not:

Funny Money

June 7, 2001 AD
      Want a piece of skin? With your choice of colors and pattern....
      Smoke on the water, fungus in the walls:
      Sammo's Effective Questioning Technique of the Week:
      How to write around someone:
      Sammo Holmes, consulting detective. Pam Veasey, consulting scriptwriter. Hoopla, consulting IMDber. The Archon, consulting moron.
      Priceless moment:
      One episode left, get 'em while they're hot!
      Priceless moment 2.0:
      Side-splitting moments:
      Here's how to make a minor character a complete jerk and do it right.
      Is USA Network having a theme night?

August 9, 2001 AD
      Circular logic:
      Chanel No. 5, for men:
      How to describe someone:
      Pre-Nitpick era redux, whatever that means:
      Bit more quoting:
      Bleak summonings:

Cop Out

June 8, 2001 AD
      He's stalking me! Or am I stalking him?
      So I like her now, and she's gone!
      Yet another euphemism for sex:
      Alas Dana, we hardly knew ye.
      Mudskippers: Fish out of water who don't seem to care that much that they're out of water.
      Bad gay joke time: If this were the SFPD, would it be "Code Pink"?
      We're having a Tom Baker moment:
      Gentle Ironies:
      And again:

August 10, 2001 AD
      How to grab an audience:
      We're sinking, Captain Law....
      Stunt spiders:
      More quoting:
      Nah, Bruce Lee could probably kick his ass, if the script said so:
      Romancing the Malone:
      Fanboy sweeps:
      Research pays off. Maybe.
      Nitpick a number:
      They could have a spy in your department. Like that guy over there, watching us.
      What a mess. Oh well, we won't need this place anymore anyway.
      The slippers of death:
      You're right.
      Whap, pow!
      I think we're finally done.

Extreme Measures

June 11, 2001 AD
      So nice of them to tell me:
      She's an airhead, but she's a darn cute one!
      Sexy Sadie Sammo:
      It SPEAKS!
      Father knows best:
      Surface tension:
      Climbing down the evolutionary ladder:


June 12, 2001 AD
      Where's Dana?
      Nice... peacocks:
      He's still a jerk, but he's a nice one....
      A Pakistani actor who isn't playing a 7-11 clerk....
      A Chinese woman and a white man walk in to a white-supremacist-owned gun shop....
      I hope they get paid well....
      Quote of the nanosecond:


June 13, 2001 AD
      Sammo Can Cook:
      Mirror reflections, looking glass variations:
      G.C. phone home:
      What are you wearing? NOTHING?
      What's the opposite of "fish out of water?"
      Buffalo Duck, Peking Wings?
      Random thought:
      I drink purple ox blood:
      I drink the blue stuff too:
      I can't think of a good chicken pun:
      What should happen to all crooked health inspectors:
      And all that watching of Kung Fu just taught me that Chinese men have a lot of flashbacks to their skinhead days:
      Chairman (Sam)mao:
      Reruns not scene (seen?) before:
      I wish I could tell my bank's manager this:
      Quote of the nanosecond:
      Night of the Living Vanessas:

How Sammo Got His Groove Back

June 14, 2001 AD
      He's got a first name! And a family! At this rate he might actually gain a third dimension!
      Harbinger Alert:
      Ginuw(h)ine. Oh, I'm going to Hell for that one....
      Throw Momma from the Train:
      Cuddlebug dolls? No, but I remember hugabug dolls:
      Cuddlebug continuity:
      Oh, wait, this is the LAPD....
      Car, follow that taxi!
      Terrell Syndrome:
      World's fastest fight scene:
      Where's my Terrell Parker voodoo doll?
      I'm flying!

Bad Seed

June 15, 2001 AD
      Dem Crazy Canadians:
      2.5 dimensional
      Put the voodoo doll down, at least after a few more jabs:
      I'm allergic to old gags:
      Happy Birthd... oh, damn, we can't sing it.


June 18, 2001 AD
      The kick heard halfway around the block:
      He's still incompetent, but not that incompetent!
      I'm having a season two flashback. Flashforward. Whatever.
      Okay, maybe they had Closeup-Intensive Long Meaningful Speeches in season one, too:
      I put together a list. Now, if you want me t-
      Want some eye-ced tea?
      I wouldn't have noticed if not for the bloopers:
      Is this a TV show?
      Quote of the moment:
      Moment of the moment:

Painted Faces

June 19, 2001 AD
      Wanted to buy: One can(n)on cleaner.
      Lee Hei's back, and he's in pastels!
      Sammo's Effective Questioning Technique of the Week:
      Localized weather lighting patterns:
      Terrell Throwback Number One:
      Quickie Redemptions:
      I'm half-French and not this bad:
      A Meaningful Speech that works:
      Quote of the nanosecond:
      Missing links:


June 20, 2001 AD
      Retroactive typing:
      Credit where credit is don't:
      Trust me, it looks nothing like her uncle Oscar:
      Random thought:
      Rock it and box it:
      Or, just rock it:
      The kick heard across the high-rent district:
      This is how I liked Terrell's character:
      Or like this:
      Or even like this:
      Diet C(h)oke:
      Whatshisface Parker:
      I don't think they're running on Firestones:
      Quotes of the nanoseconds:
      Over-the-top humor:
      If you still had that afro, you couldn't wear one!


June 21, 2001 AD
      Regression therapy (or, Terrell Throwback Number Two):
      Progression therapy:
      The kick that wasn't heard by Len because he wasn't listening:
      Do you have a lee-sance for this minky?
      Deep Meaningful Sentence:
      I loved your work in Passenger 57:
      Blood on the tiling, fire in the sky:
      I tawt I taw a desert cobra!
      Remarried so soon?
      How do you fix shrapnel?
      I'm glad they got that car fixed....
      Never ask a question unless you want to hear the answer:
      Do you come from the land....
      Happy Bir-DAMN!

October 23, 2001 AD
      Lost in Space:


June 22, 2001 AD
      Where do I get my lousy memory from?
      Overpass over troubled waters:
      Villainous villainy:
      Fighting words on paper:
      Wild thing in formal wear:
      Romancing the Malone:
      Is she fat?
      Gratuitous ratings moment:
      Is TNN breaking in a new guy?
      So close:

Captive Hearts

June 25, 2001 AD
      Hearts currently under house arrest:
      Postmiked envelope:
      Sounds Like a Melanie:
      Sounds Like a Melody:
      Romancing the Malone 2.0:
      You seen (BURP!) my bicycle?
      Winship busts out the can of righteous whoop-ass:
      Speaking of Infocom:
      Quotations of the nanoseconds:
      Terrell Parker, Rockette:
      Over-the-top humor:
      It's only wrong if the guy who looks the other way is not your buddy.
      Why I worship women:

December 29, 2001 AD
Some scars never heal. Scriptwriters like that.


June 26, 2001 AD
      Quote of the nanosecond:
      Tango tango cash:
      Romancing the... coroner?
      "Brother John"? "Jacques" does NOT translate to "John!" I forget what it really translates to, but it's not "John!"
      This is why it's an ensemble cast:
      And they're off! They look off too!
      Okay, maybe I'm wrong. First time for everything.
      Titty bum titty bum titty bum bum bum.
      This entry rated R, or maybe PG-13, depending on how horny the ratings board is feeling today:
      Why I like having two copies of each episode:

Big Trouble

June 27, 2001 AD
      Do you like my jackets?
      If you don't like the jacket, how about the shoes?
      Notalie Portman:
      Family matters:
      So does sex:
      A pencil neck and eagle eyes:
      Deep meaningful sentences:
      I liked the DMV better:
      Remember what I said about going to see the villain?
      The kick no one heard:
      Are you na-ked?
      I do ice sculpture on the weekends:
      I'm amazing. No I'm not.

Nitro Man

June 28, 2001 AD
      I wish I had that easy a time getting a job.
      Holding Hearts Hostage:
      What a moron. No, wait....
      Chamberhail of bullets:
      Shadows of Season Two:
      Just Schmoo It.
      The kick heard a good yard away:
      Away yard good a heard kick the:
      Bang bang boom:
      Macho macho man:
      Getting Romanced by the Malone:
      Are they breaking in a new commercial guy?

Red Storm

June 29, 2001 AD
      Dem Crazy Germans:
      English only, please:
      Nur Englisch, bitte:
      Orange Juice Hertz:
      Chamberhail of bullets 2.0:
      Watch something three times and what they're saying might just hit you.
      Chinese martial arts teachers drink Coke:
      His lips say "no", but his eyes... wait, his lips are saying "yes" too.
      I'm not a "midget", I'm a "cameraman!"
      If I push you, you'll just go the other way.
      Quote of the moment:
      Moment of the moment:
      She's never going to be seen again:
      He must be REALLY bad:
      He only speaks Chinese:
      Now why couldn't they leave this first one in?
      Random thought:


July 2, 2001 AD
      The kick heard in the other part of the store:
      What do you mean, there's only two gaudy jackets in all of CBS wardrobe?
      Go back to your Tae Bo videos, man!
      Mack the Knife:
      Terrell kicks ass. Film at 11.
      Romancing the coroner!
      The woman is cursed. Especially since she's got one episode left before she meets cold oblivion.
      Moment of the moment:
      Evil by default:
      Nice jacket:

End Game

July 3, 2001 AD
      Late Night with Sammo Law:
      The kiss of character death:
      Give a man enough rope, and he'll cliffhang himself.
      How somber:
      I wanna go home, or to Petticoat Junction:
      He can't be dead, I just saw him in the flashback!
      He's really on wires, you know:
      Are you going to San Vicente....
      So this is why she lost all those jobs....
      You wouldn't happen to have a cousin named Amy Dylan, would you?
      What the hell's his name?
      He's an overworked Cupid.
      The kic-
      I have a deep respect for you, you moron!
      "Queer as the blazes" seems to be one of his strengths:
      So much for top form:
      Moment of the moment:
      Gratuitous ratings moment:
      Carrot Juice, Carrot Juice, Carrot Juice!

Sammo Blammo

July 4, 2001 AD
      Full Circle:
      I feel like taking all my clothes off, dancing to the Rite of Spring:
      Shadows of season one:
      These aren't shadows, though.
      I wanna be like Sammo!
      I'm not a racist cop! It's just that more black SUVs commit crimes than white ones!
      666th street overpass:
      Couldn't we have got Tom Baker or Mark Hamil to play the priest?
      Grand Conjunctions, Great Upheavals:
      Change, my dear. And it seems not a moment too soon!
      More cussing ahead.
      Gratuitous Usenet Moment:
      Terrell's too tall. And he can't sing.
      You know, if I washed my Terrell Parker voodoo doll in bleach and changed the hair, I'd have an Amy Dylan voodoo doll.
      Blowing up the budget:
      But a groin strap would be too kinky:

Thieves Among Thieves

July 5, 2001 AD
      God, I'm a moron. But I'm still right.
      What a hateful old cuss:
      Let's have a toast:
      Amy Dylan Vulnerability Watch 1.0:
      Still a moron:

September 7, 2001 AD
      I don't want my children to be corrupted by such horrible beeping!

This Shogun for Hire

July 6, 2001 AD
      Another reason why I like having everything on tape twice:
      Credit where it's due:
      Bring me the bloated polychromatic head of the uninteresting bit-part ninja!
      How much more use am I going to get out of my Amy Dylan doll? Voodoo doll, VOODOO DOLL! You're a bunch of perverts!
      I'm poking Amy.... The voodoo doll, THE VOODOO DOLL!
      I'll stop poking now.
      The pause that refreshes. Or, just one more poke:
      You know, I'm glad they cut out the character building. This is better.
      Are you still going to San Vicente?
      I'm a bad lawyer. The other kind of bad.
      I'm a bad assassin. Not the other kind of bad.
      He's dead. Shoot him again.

24 Hours

July 9, 2001 AD
      Muddy Rorgan:
      Vroom vroom boom:
      Commander of Administrative Tactical Operation Services for the Los Angeles Police Department (GASP, GASP!)
      Father knows best 2.0: Political senseless.
      Does this mean I can put the voodoo doll away?
      The Shadow Knows!
      We're evil, he's just naughty:
      His body is a Temple:
      Too lazy to quote tonight:
      Still too lazy to quote tonight:
      Not that lazy:
      Gratuitous ratings moment:
      Fundamental Forces of Rateure:
      Guns? They're not supposed to have guns!
      Deep Meaningful Moment:
      If I can't get any further in the LAPD, I'll move to New Mexico and become a congresswoman:

December 3, 2001 AD
      Legs... legs... legs... legs....

Ninety Million Reasons to Die

July 10, 2001 AD
      The Sammo cannot hold....
      My Cadillac comes with factory air and self-resurrection:
      Remember the Evil Posse from last episode? We're their brothers!
      Hi, I'm S.U.V. Black's brother, Van Black.
      And I'm Mr. Underwhelmed:
      First the MCU, now my own house!
      That's a damn big nit....
      Dylan Devolution Number One:
      Dylan Devolution Number Two:
      What's that? Oh, comedy! I didn't recognize it.
      I'm hearing voices! AHH!
      "Run Lola Run, huh? (...) I loved this movie. Story of my life."
      Run Amy Run, huh? Story of my acting career.
      TNN's still breaking in a new guy!
      I'm out of clean shirts. Could I borrow your blouse?

My Man Sammo

May 10, 2001 AD
      Obsession of the week:
      I'm more like a demigod:
      We're absolutely fabulous....
      Gratuitous ratings moment:

July 11, 2001 AD
      And again....
      Does name determine facial structure?
      Ye gods, there's TWO of them? Well, one and a third....
      The tale of two dialogues:
      Get me the voodoo doll:
      Amy Dylan Vulnerability Watch 2.0:
      Commentary remixes:
      Walk like an E-ditz-ian:
      You shouldn't have double-crossed me in Marrakech. Or was it London?
      enilkcen gnignulP:
      Hacking for Dummies Homeboys:
      Someone finally figured out that all LAPD members get self-defense training....
      I'm ambidextrous.
      Gracie get your gun:
      Bad guys don't think.
      Bad guys don't think. With the right head.
      Mirror (l)im(o)ages:
      Rant... er, run for your life!

October 19, 2001 AD
      When your teenage male cousin knows more about women's underwear than you do....

The Friendly Skies

July 12, 2001 AD
      The Unfriendly Script:
      I'm not making a Grace Chen voodoo doll. I like my Amy Dylan doll:
      I like my Amy Dylan doll, because I could just hug it now:
      Quotes of the moment, with a bonus Dylan Devolution Number Three:
      Moment of the moment:
      You don't need a gun when you have Right on your side. And a spot in the opening credits.
      Note to wardrobe: I'm a woman, a woman damn you!
      So, I've got a fanboy who wants my body, a boyfriend who wants someone else's body, and about three bad guys. Kill me now.
      Damn, slam you! No, wait, that wasn't right:
      How to use the two-shot. Well, three-shot.
      A two-week vacation, how... nice.
      Romancing the Malone coroner Parker?
      From hacker to slacker:

September 12, 2001 AD

Call of the Wild

July 13, 2001 AD
      Escapism Escapades:
      They aren't called fight scenes for nothing:
      (Cough, cough.) Looks like G&R aren't the only ones in the Dust Hyperbole:
      SWATting bugs away:
      Mind? What mind?
      Don Turlington? Is he the guy that regrows my hair or the guy that enhances my portfolio?
      I've already shot down the Cupid idea:
      Hello, my name is Nathan Timothy:
      And my name is Harkon Lukas. Prepare to die:
      D&D moment, feel free to fall asleep:
      You killed my baby!
      Dietary flyer:
      Fish out of water, by the bikini store:
      For old times' sake:
      Sex on the floor:
      Goodness gracious, great walls of fire:
      Moment(s) of the moment:
      Quote of the moment:
      Pick the nits, zap the nits:

Blue Flu

May 14, 2001 AD
      Gratuitous ratings moment:

July 16, 2001 AD
      Off-tint jaundice:
      Gratuitous ratings moment:
      Gratuitous ratings moment 2.0:
      The kick heard by the muffin saleslady:
      I hate that song about going to San Vicente, change the station:
      Assistant Quotes of the Moment:
      Amy Dylan Vulnerability Watch 3.0:
      I'm not a lesbian, if that's what you mean!
      Why I'm not an actor:
      If this doesn't work, plug her into the mains:
      Stage blood, stage actress, stage cough:
      Chemological weapons:
      Funny Chinese stoics:
      Nitpick time:
      Candy glass of beer:
      Musical stings:
      Avoiding the tense issues:
      You can't be serious:
      We're in a rush, but take your time:
      Note to wardrobe: Thanks.
      With apologies to the Pet Shop Boys:
      New York City girl, you'll never have a bored day:

Sammo Claus

July 17, 2001 AD
      'HeeeheeeeHEEEEEEEEEEE!' Oops, sorry. 'Ho ho ho.'
      Flashback in the spring:
      While my daughter's talking to Santa, why don't you sit on my lap and tell me what a naughty little elf you were this year....
      More elven commentary:
      Gratuitous Wardrobe Moment:
      If you're deaf, can you hear a silent alarm?
      Deep Meaningful... Something:
      Cuddlebug continuity continuation:
      Armando, Armando, Ah-Ah-Armando:
      What's the point? The place where the star goes!
      I'm dead. Damn.
      The Great Escapism:
      Are you my Daddy?
      Deep Deep Meaningful Meaningful Speech Speech:
      Dear Santa: For Kwizmas I wanna Amy Dylan doll, compweete wiff a set of mix-and-match partners. The other kind of partner, YOU PERVERT!
      I'm a student of the death-dealing candy cane. Fear me.
      Blood... blood... blood... blood... blood... blood... blood....
      The world laughs at you, then claim they're laughing with you.
      Chinamen are from Mars:
      But they're moving China out to Deimos orbit:
      Domino Dancing:
      It Doesn't Often Snow at Christmas:
      I'm still bad!
      I think it's finally dead. Hand me your gun.
      He's quoting the IMDb, take cover!

October 7, 2001 AD
      Dasher and Dancer and.... Uh... Richard and Nixon...? Halley and Eros? Sturm und Drang?

No Quarter

May 16, 2001 AD
      How to tell when the budget ran out:
      The ubiquitous hair comment:
      Other fun things:
      Black (not African-American) comedy:
      Another thing....

July 18, 2001 AD
      And None In Return:
      How to lower crime:
      They wouldn't put so many doors in the room if they didn't want you to take one!
      Hi, I'm Van Black's brother....
      Non? What's "Non" mean? Oh, "No N"!
      Deep Meaningful Line:
      And all the shadows follow after her....
      The term "car bomb" wasn't invented because they're rare, you know:
      Guest rant:
      Guest guest rant:
      It's not easy being blue:
      Official police department press release: "Ticket Quota? Youse says it don't exist or youse legs might get broke."
      Ah, stop yer whinin'. Oh, you didn't whine.
      Can we give a meter maid a parking ticket?
      Hackin' the night away:
      We've been on this case four months. Another week won't kill us.
      Seven (bombs) for the dwarf lords in their halls of stone:
      Dylan's Inferno:
      Straddling the center line:

Scorpio Rising

July 19, 2001 AD
      Scorpio Yeast, guaranteed to rise:
      This isn't my lucky day:
      Does not compute, you freaking moron:
      Scorpio Body Count 1.0:
      I sued the zoo:
      We only have six floors. The rest are fake.
      It's like football or basketball. Only different.
      If you had teleported before, this wouldn't be a problem:
      She's just like one of the guys. What do you mean, she's got a boyfriend? She doesn't dress that butch because... hand me my pants!
      It's a big locker:
      Can you be such a fanboy that even you can't stand yourself?
      So who's the cop who can't fight now?
      Who's in charge here?
      Daddy Scorpio?
      Quote of the nanosecond:
      Not-so-final diagnosis:
      What do you mean, the woman I'm lusting after is a Great Old One? She's only in her twenties!
      But if she is a Great Old One, I wouldn't mind her giving me a quick going-over with her natural form's mouth tentacles....

No Fare

May 18, 2001 AD
      Rant time:
      Hair dee hair hair:

July 20, 2001 AD
      True love is loving someone so much you have 'em shot.
      Wanted to Buy: Car Continuity....
      The light that glows so dark in the night:
      Just 'cause I hang around with Chinese people doesn't mean I'm not a bigot:
      It moved!
      I'd better get a bonus for this:
      Is my sweater too tight? No? I guess I'll need to see if I can shrink it a bit more in the wash:
      Would I be happier if you just wore nothing? Hell, yeah.
      Dylan's theory of relativity:
      Quote of the moment:
      Me Terrellzan, you Jane:
      I've reached my limit:
      Bang, bang:

Dog Day Afternoon

Not July 23, 2001 AD
      Damn you!
      Hi, I'm Evil. Who are you?
      Sing it, Sammo:
      Inter-Apartmental Co-operation:
      Car nerd:
      Evil jacket mini-posse:
      Sorry, man, it's 1999 - you're 15 years off:
      Fight! Hey, you try coming up with that many funny one-liners involving fighting.
      Doggie diagnosis:
      Swim, human, swim! BWAHAAAAHAAAHAA!
      Which is more disturbing?
      Quote of the nanosecond.
      Evil quote of the nanosecond.
      We can't leave him there. It'll poison the water.
      What the hell was that???
      Next thing you know they'll be bantering:
      Do that voopoodle that you do so well:
      I just spent 250 million dollars on research and development. Makes me think I should have spent the extra two hundred bucks so the walls went up to the roof.
      Gratuitous Ratings Moment:
      I want to make you scream!
      You're such a tease!
      So that dog that sounded like a guy sounding like a dog was actually a guy sounding like a dog?

September 15, 2001 AD
      Smile for the camera:

February 10, 2002 AD
      Oh, wow.

Deathfist 5: Major Crimes Unit

July 24, 2001 AD
      A note to self....
      A self to note:
      Breaking out an old film rant:
      Breaking in a new film reel:
      Random thought:
      Evil Posse Redux:
      Exude, sop silver:
      Banter? BANTER?
      Bug-eye reflections of season one:
      Fire! No, not the flamethrower kind.
      I'm here to kick ass and chew bub... actually, I'm just here to kick ass:
      Fall from grace, fall for Grace:

October 12, 2001 AD
      Deathframe 3: TNN

Honor Among Strangers

May 23, 2001 AD
      Honor Among Strange Rangers:
      Here's some film stock for your gravy:

July 25, 2001 AD (Pre-rant floor show.)

July 25, 2001 AD
      Deepartment fo Corecctions:
      Go, go, Texas Rangers....
      Pocket (pool?) review:
      I'm a confused little rocket....
      If they're white supremacists, why do they drive a BLACK van?
      Where does the time go?
      How you do spell it?
      Dylan's Dearth of Dialogue:
      Yet another evil guy:
      Slight character redemption:
      Slight scripting redemption:
      High-wanking officaw:
      Run for it, he's talking about Amy's hair!
      Jump for it, he's talking about nitpicks!
      Gimme a hug:
      If I should die before I get my payment....
      Archetype Plaza:
      Penelope Jane? I'm sorry, I thought you were Mary Sue:
      For the sane people who don't read much fanfic.


May 24, 2001 AD
      It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a nuclear fireball!
      Hair, hair, we must mention hair.
      Begin the ending:

July 26, 2001 AD
      Dear God, here it comes....
      To the extreme:
      Evil Posse, Scorpio Style:
      Scorpio Body Count 2.0:
      Lone Wei-nger:
      Make me hurt, baby. Oooh. Wait, no, NOT WITH THAT! AAAAHHHH!
      I read palms on the weekend:
      Self-fulfilling sophistry:
      Gratuitous Ratings Moment:
      I have a deep respect for you, you two-faced sonuvabitch:
      If it's so funny, why am I so sad?
      Is "Huh?" Chinese?
      Nice breas-sweate-hair!
      Nice breas-blouse!
      Nice blous-blood?
      Dylan non-Devolution:
      I think I broke my can(n)on:
      Oh, the real-world irony.
      Oh, the fake-world irony.
      He Strode onto the scene:
      Turn on a light, it's too dark in here:

The Thrill is Gone

May 25, 2001 AD
      Bangs for a Thrill:
      Gratuitous ratings moment:
      Get naked, then get dressed again:

July 27, 2001 AD
      Scorpio Body Count 3.0:
      Quote of the... zzzz.
      Zzzz... nanosecond.
      Hi, we're Scorpio!
      Amy, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
      I think so, but Terrell could never say "Sweeney!" like he says "Dylan!"
      Nice ass. The picture, not you.
      My good friend E.:
      Bock? Wasn't that a sound effect on the old Batman show?
      The Nitpick is Gone:
      It's a trick I picked up from Amy:
      Where's Waldo?
      Miss Bock? Not Mister Bock?
      Think different. Really different. As in Kill Thy Neighbor different.
      It's a secret lab. Shhh, it's a secret.
      Maybe machines run on magic in the MCU:
      I'm having that flashback again....
      Another flashback!
      Why I'm not an actor redux:
      You sexist Limey pig:
      Just because the assassination failed doesn't mean I can't entertain you with some shadow puppets. Look, a bunny!
      I'm out of here!
      I'm not racist, the casting director is:
      The One, and The Two and The One Two Three Four:


July 30, 2001 AD
      'Ullo Gov:
      Get me a wedge:
      Doctor SUV Black:
      Is black leather the new LAPD standard?
      Temporal remembrance:
      We need both the dark and the light. In total darkness, without the light, there are no shadows for us to move in.
      You can never lose hope.
      There's nothing pleasant about this.
      Sammo's Effective Questioning Technique of the Season:
      Kill ratios:
      Take me to a hospital that these guys never go to:
      Knotted-up cut strings:
      Nitpick 1: Just because we don't know anything doesn't mean we're not organized.
      Nitpick 2: I thought something rubbing up against me was supposed to feel good!
      Nitpick 3: Drei ice.
      Nitpick 4: Serial Posse.
      Nitpick 5: Nice Shirt!
      Nitpick 6: Pardon me!
      Nitpick 7: Fuzz remover.
      Nitpick 8: ZAP!
      Nitpick 9: Must be an everyday occurrence.
      Nitpick 10: Connecting the dots.
      Nitpick 11: Connecting the bullets.
      Nitpick 12: Heart-rending.
      Nitpick 13: Ranter's dozen.
      It's over, thank God.
      Rant retrospection:

In the Dark

July 31, 2001 AD
      Scorpio Body Count 4.0:
      Call the Fashional Guard!
      I'm The One. The Other One.
      You little EMP:
      I could gaze into her blue sweater all day. Eyes. Blue eyes. I could gaze into her blue EYES all day!
      Chop chop:
      Don't hurry too much:
      Someone light a match, we're in the dark here.
      Taste Nitpick 1: Running scarred.
      Taste Nitpick 2: SKRITCH!
      Taste Nitpick 3: Put the duct tape back over his mouth, please.
      General Nitpick 1: Guarded Missals.
      General Nitpick 2: Someone break Amy's fingers to see if she's part of Scorpio, please.
      General Nitpick 3: But by the Grace of God....
      General Nitpick 4: We've been planning this for ten years. But we want to raise a little hell first.
      General Nitpick 5: It even kicks mechanical ass!
      General Nitpick 6: Bionic Sammo.
      General Nitpick 7: Maybe the spider team pulled a Scorpio and broke one of its own appendages.
      General Nitpick 7b: Spidey Posse.
      General Nitpick 8: Go ahead and kill them! We'll make more!
      General Nitpick 9: I've got water on the knee, and Shian on the mind.
      General Nitpick 10: I should let this one pass, but I'm in a worse mood than when I started listing these.
      General Nitpick 11: Vertigo it ain't.
      General Nitpick 12: We've taken over the building. Except the stairwells. And the exits.
      General Nitpick 13: Fun in the woods.
      Notpick again:
      I like making death devices In the Dark.
      Great. I learn there is a God, but He's Greek Orthodox:
      Romancing the last on a damn long list.
      I'm a bit inexperienced regarding this:
      Bock must have been a sound effect in the old Batman series!
      Strode's not a good sound effect.
      He don't know Shi...
      One, two, three, FIRE!
      Turn on a dark, it's too light in here:

December 21, 2001 AD
      How quickly we forget.

Final Conflict, Part 1

May 31, 2001 AD
      I Wanna be the Only One....
      Ah, ah, ah, ah, Buried Alive, Buried Alive:

August 1, 2001 AD
      Scorpio Body Count 5.0:
      "Previously on Martial Law":
      Not previously on Martial Law:
      Marital Law. Or, is this really acting?
      I just lost the fanboy sweepstakes:
      Fanboy serious time:
      Final Cupid, Part 2:
      He's an overworked Cupid.
      They don't call it "Shanghai" for nothing:
      Buried Alive, Buried Alive, already did this joke....
      The One's an effing nutball:
      Can you actually say this at 7 PM?
      She lacks polish. Except for her nails.
      I bwoke my widdle nose:
      If I'm ever a terrorist leader, I'm getting a sunny windowed office.
      Glimmers of the living past, shadows of the dying future:
      Quote of the moment, and a moment I don't want to quote:
      Nitpick 1: 50 lives, give or take.
      Nitpick 2: LA's full of morons.
      Nitpick 2.4a: The Amazing Shrinking Limo. Or, Home is Where the Car is.
      Nitpick 2.4a subparagraph D: The One is a Time Lord from Doctor Who! No, really! There was The Doctor, The Master, The Valeyard, The Rani....
      Nitpick 3: It's mine and always has been, never mind that it's attached to your body.
      Nitpick 4: Hardware Hacking for Homeboys.
      Nitpick 5: LA isn't full of morons, they just employ them.
      Nitpick 6: Unconsciousness is a function of the person who knocked you out.
      Nitpick 7: Final Gratuitous Ratings Moment. I think.
      Nitpick 8: Tie-tongued.
      Cough, cough, hack!
      The men on the show:
      All hail Macbeth, Thane of Auric!

Final Conflict, Part 2

June 1, 2001 AD
      Ah, the end of the end.

August 2, 2001 AD
      Scorpio Body Count 6.0:
      Final Funny:
      Quotes of the moments:
      Final Flashback:
      Final F(lashl)ight:
      Spectre. Remember, he's got a British accent.
      Oooh. Fancy camera work:
      It's not like we'll need it anymore:
      Nitpick 1: Who cleans up the bodies?
      Nitpick 2: Who's maintaining the firewall?
      Nitpick 3: I move like the wind. I look and sound like it too.
      Nitpick 4: Amy must be a contractor in her spare time.
      Nitpick 5: Badda BOOM!
      Nitpick 6: Terrell is strong. Got great ears, too. And clairvoyance.
      Nitpick 7: Sins of the fathers. And every other TV show on the face of the earth.
      Nitpick 8: Sins of the father's scriptwriter.
      Nitpick 9: Pick a pinkie.
      Nitpick 10: Black comedy.
      Final Nitpick:
      Feel the pain, little toy cars!
      Final Rant:
      Could I take you to the PROM?
      Final... er... Finale:
      This is where I came in:
      If I do this too much I'll go blind.
      Gretchen Obsession:
      The end of the circle....

Season One, Part One | Season One, Part Two | Midseries Metamorphosis | Season Two, Part One | Season Two, Part Two
The Index | The Annotated Index | The Progenitor Rant | The Original Page
Chronicles, Litanies, and Fanboy Obsessions: (Recent Updates)
The Egolf Chronicles: Current | May 2001 - February 2002 | February 2002 - July 2002
Len's Lack-of-Sleep Litanies | The (Previous) Litanies

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