(Old) Site updates:

July 22, 2004 AD
Ah, it's been one of those long hard thinking times. Given that I still lack the ability to actually watch TLC, plus a rather deep hatred of television that's seeping in, I've decided to ditch the pretense that this is going to get resolved to anyone's satisfaction anytime soon, and close this section of the site down.

I didn't want to, particularly a section that never even got off the ground, but it looks like I must. I'd like to apologize to a few people, particularly people who I promised I'd write something for. You'd be amazed at the number of people who want me to call Kia down to the lowest....

But I really, truly, am sorry. I didn't mean to fail to live up to promises, potential, or expectations. But it happened. I do hope you'll forgive the transgression.

I do wish to make a peace offering, though. All I have to offer is the following two things....

There's no Porn Here!, a summary of the number of people who use search engines to try see various TS cast members naked.

For Sale: Ratings Tonic!, a humorous item (originally posted on Usenet) on how I think they could improve the show.

Be well, all of you.

The Archon

May 20, 2004 AD
Still having a hard time getting anyone to fix stuff. Man, this is getting annoying. I'd hate to have to close down this section of the site.

April 20, 2004 AD
It was working. I don't know how, but all of a sudden it was consistently working again. I was enjoying it. Then, some genius came over and shook it when I wasn't watching, in an attempt to fix it. He comes from the "Hit the TV to fix it." school of thought. Wanna know what happened? It stopped working again. And this time, it seems permanently busted. Time to replace a whole damn satellite dish and a length of cable. Peachy.

March 17, 2004 AD
Still working on it. I'm thinking it's in the dish itself. One more thing to replace....

February 15, 2004 AD
Been quiet lately. Why? Well, basically my satellite dish is kaput. It works, but it's intermittent at best. There's also a nasty side effect: Because of the way it fails, when it does fail you only have access to a certain bank of channels (the specific channel group depends on where you are at the time of failure).

So, for instance, if I want to watch Trading Spaces and it fails, then I'm stuck with TLC, Comedy Central, and a billion home shopping channels.

If I want to watch X-Play, I'm stuck with TechTV, MTV, AMC, some religion network (I think), and more damn home shopping.

So I've got it so I get neither of those, but still have a decent assortment, about the same amount as basic cable with a modest bonus package. Better for my sanity that way.

Repairs are proceeding slowly. It's down to my basic electronic skills. Basically, I'm playing field service circus technician - swapping components out and hoping it works. I've swapped one length of cable and one Small Mysterious Black Box. Now I have the Big Mysterious Black Box, the dish itself, and the subterranean cable between them. I don't like that, since it's winter. Tweaking the dish will be chilly work, and examining the ground cable is effectively impossible since the ground is frozen. So the Big Box is next on the list.

Updates will be posted monthly - which seems to be the rate at which I procure and install components - unless it's magically fixed before then.

But before I go, two things:

First, a joke or two, thanks to the Jargon file.

Q: How can you recognize a field circus engineer with a flat tire?
A: He's changing one tire at a time to see which one is flat.

Q: How can you recognize a field circus engineer who is out of gas?
A: He's changing one tire at a time to see which one is flat.

And second, a rant on the last episode I saw: Houston: Mulberry Hill Lane. Hildi summons a giant headboard. Frank finds his thrill on Mulberry Hill, getting almost orgasmic joy from distressing wood. Ewwww. Andrew Dan-Jumbo of While You Were Out fame works with wood and messes with Hildi's schedule.

January 18, 2004 AD
Bad weather = no show this week. I'm considering doing something on last week's episode, the one where Edward made a normal bedroom into a vampire's trysting spot, but I think I'll hold off for a bit, see how next week's is. And I hear Hildi did something seminormal this week. Oh, well.

January 6, 2004 AD
Ah, my favorite victim, Laurie Hickson-Smith, who's dare I say, looking good with her hair straight. And new victim Rick Rifle, whose hair is just, er, there. Amy Wynn's hair is like it always is, and Paige's is really butch. "If you make a mistake it grows back in soon." my ass. Oh, and a disconcerting screencap or two rounds out the spectacle. (Warning: Bit of an edge on this one, more ranty than humorous.)

December 23, 2003 AD
Well, it was either rant on a bad episode overall (Hildi's finally merely lousy, not insane, but Kia's not providing any counterbalance either) or dig back a week and do a rant on the Cardboard Nightmare....

So I tried to keep it short and sweet and deal with the cardboard. Abandon all hope, ye who clicketh here....

December 13, 2003 AD
Hi all. I know it's been three weeks since I wrote a rant, but man has the show sucked lately. Kia working on Edward's design after he threw his back out was only amusing because Kia was floundering at a fairly normal design.

The week after, we're hit with Hildi tarring and feathering walls. What scared me there wasn't Hildi's madness (I'm mildly tolerant of it, even if it makes for lousy TV). It was how much TLC pimped it. I saw no less than four ads for it (granted, two were during the TS noon Sunday rerun, but anyway) in a two-hour span. Last two times they were that gung-ho about things was the $100,000 episode and "They Hated It!".

Add in the fact that they dragged Hildi in to do a "custom" ad rather than the standard voiceover & clips format and I'm nervous. It's like they figure they can't sell the show on its merits anymore and want to goose the ratings any way possible, even if it means getting Hildi to fondle a boa on camera.

And the kicker was that the other designer was Barry Wood, doing a repeat of his wavy-stripey motif from last time, except now he's using the colors of the Pepsi logo, washed out slightly. It disturbed me deeply that, from a distance, Hildi's room looked better. If it had been paint that was a goose-feather color - rather than real feathers - on the walls, I'd have actually liked the room a bit. There's a competent designer somewhere in there fighting to get out, but TLC doesn't seem to be encouraging it.:(

This week, it's Hildi and cardboard. Bad weather caused me to miss the first showing, I'll try catching the next. But the blood already spreading across Usenet is getting me nervous. Still, I will watch if I can and if I'm not ready to kill someone at the end of the episode, I will rant on it. Perhaps Ty's commentary will save us. Perhaps not.

Sigh. Flowers and cardboard and feathers.... Oh my.

November 25, 2003 AD
A little closer to being on time, a rant about the episode featuring Anna (of Changing Rooms) and my favorite victim, Laurie: Pennsylvania: Conway Avenue.

November 14, 2003 AD
Snow is gone, I'm back from an oncologist's appointment, and I have an incredibly belated rant. Handy Andy's first British Invasion episode, Jersey Shore: South Laurel Drive.

November 9, 2003 AD
Hi everyone. I'd hoped to have a new update over the next few days on the "Jersey Shore: Rainbow Drive" episode, since the combination of the diva-ish Doug, the sharp-witted Handy Andy, and the so-nutty-one-can't-describe-her Hildi was sure to be solid entertainment. However, fate intervened and the first snowstorm of the year hit Saturday afternoon and hasn't let up yet, as the final rerun of the episode is just finishing. While satellite TV has many advantages, one of the obvious disadvantages is that reception of certain channels (in my case, TLC) in a freak snowstorm isn't great. Of course, CNN's coming in just fine.

If time, incentive, and inability to shovel snow allow, I might write a short rant on the minor Doug vs. Handy Andy skirmish from last week. But man, I wanted to see him say something to Hildi....

Beat a hasty retreat to the main page.
Run along home.

This site and everything on it are Copyright (C) The Archon 1999 - 2005, unless otherwise noted. So there.
Trading Spaces is owned by these Banyan people, or something. TLC's got something to do with it, too. I don't own those. If I did, I'd probably sacrifice Laurie on a demonic altar.

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