Banquet in Hell

This is something I posted to Usenet way back when. Since then, everything's gone downhill. :)

WARNING: The following post is completely pointless, and has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. For this reason, tonight's posting has been rated NG-PG for News Group Pointless Gabbing. Please put any impressionable house plants to bed now. Thank you.

This thread has inspired me to do something funny. At least, I think it's somewhat funny. The thought of a dozen demons chowing down may not be your cup of tea, coffee or cyanide. :)

Here's the idea. If you were planning a banquet in Hell, and had to decide which of the various Doom and Doom 2 demons to invite, which ones would you choose? Here's my reasoning:

Former Humans - Would seating cannibal zombies together be a good idea? Well, you wouldn't need food....

SS Nazi - Probably the only one who understands the concept of table manners.

Revenant - Okay, but wouldn't the food fall out of his ribcage onto the chair?

Arch-Vile - Sure, as long as he didn't try to resurrect the main course.

Pain Elemental - Nah, as soon as he opened his mouth to eat a Lost Soul would pop out.

Mancubus - Ah, when Satan was handing out arms this guy thought he meant the appendage kind, not the death-dealing kind. I wouldn't invite him since he obviously can pack away tons of food. Besides, are you gonna sit there and spoon-feed him? (I don't think he's the utensil-using type, though. :)

Cyberdemon - Fine, if you can find a chair that big.

Spider Mastermind - Nope - he'd just get in the way, crushing waiters accidentally and such.

Arachnotron - Well, you wouldn't need a chair for him.

Lost Soul - No, he'd try to munch the guests. Maybe if you surrounded the main table with corpses, ammo boxes, backpacks, and other scenery? :)

Imp - Okay, but you may need a loaded SSG on your lap, just to let him know who's boss.

Demon - No, he looks more like the "beg for scraps at the back door of the slaughterhouse" kind of food connoisseur.

Spectre - No, he doesn't look like much at all. (Drums, then the crash of cymbals. "Laugh" sign lights up, followed a few seconds later by an "applause" sign.)

Hell Knight - Considering his "noble rank", he'd probably be okay. You'd better get concrete utensils, though - those green bioenergy hands would probably melt metal.

Baron of Hell - Ditto last comment. Just as long as you provide a tastier morsel than yourself. (Hmmm. Baron O'Hell. Must be Irish.)

Cacodemon - Only if he brings a buddy to shovel the food into his gaping maw.

Let's see, I think that's all of them. Comments, money, and valuable items gladly accepted. Criticism, flames and spam gladly forwarded to your mother, to see if she'd appreciate that kind of behavior from a child of hers. You've been warned.

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