Dark Worshipper Reciprocity Form 777FWJM

Or: So you want to be a Satanist/Wiccan/Druid?

Check your religion here. I poke a lot of fun at the fundamentalism and paranoia Jack Chick - and those conmen and delusionals he calls "sources" - embodies. I may well offend you.

It has come to the attention of this author recently that there are people in this world who claim to be not simply born-again Christians, but also reformed Wiccans/Druids/Satanists/Roman Catholics/etc. Indeed, some of loudest of these new Christians seem to have been high-ranking members of *several* organizations, all of which are very powerful and unspeakably evil! I failed to understand how they could, in such a short time, be initiated into the darkest secrets of several dangerous institutions. Well, through careful (and dangerous) research and, yes, the Grace of God, I have found the answer. The form below is standard issue for all Wiccan covens/Druidic conclaves/Satanic temples/Catholic churches/etc.

Dark Worshipper Reciprocity Form 777FWJM. 

The purpose of this form is to help accelerate our evaluation process and 
in turn facilitate your placement within our organization. Please fill out 
the form completely and with total honesty. We will be summoning several 
wise and powerful spirits to check on the veracity of these forms. If you 
are found to be a liar, you will be eaten by a pit-beast which has taken 
the form of your worst nightmare. Thank you for your co-operation and 

What evil organization do you currently belong to? ______________

What is the name of your current rank within this organization? _________

With 1 being the highest-ranking position in your organization, 2 being 
the second-highest, etc., what is the number that relates to your current 
posting? ______
(NOTE: Do not include your Dark Lord or his/her/its nonhuman minions in 
this ranking system. Start with the highest-ranking human.)

Do you have any secondary postings that would normally be filled by 
another person? _____

What is their ranking number, as explained above? _____

Does your position (primary and/or secondary) require you to kill babies? 
If so, check here. [_]

If you placed a check in the previous item, how many babies have you 
killed in the past year? _____ 
(Answer 0 if you've been in your baby-killing position for less than one 

How many people have you personally introduced into the wonders of bizarre 
sex? __

How many were under the age of majority at the time of introduction? __

How many were virgins before your introduction? __

Have you belonged to an evil organization before 
this most recent one? Y[ ] N[ ]
If yes, please provide organization name, highest attained rank, rank 
number as explained above, and date. 

__________________________________ ________________ ______ ____________
__________________________________ ________________ ______ ____________
__________________________________ ________________ ______ ____________
__________________________________ ________________ ______ ____________
__________________________________ ________________ ______ ____________
__________________________________ ________________ ______ ____________
__________________________________ ________________ ______ ____________

References. Please provide name, organization, current role in 
organization and method of contact; i.e. phone number for humans, 
summoning ritual required for a Dark Lord's inhuman minions, etc. If 
reference (human or not) has an e-mail address, please provide.

Some of our positions require blood sacrifices, from both our clerics and 
our victims. In order to minimize risk of displeasing our Dark Lord and 
contaminating various unholy artifacts with improperly tainted blood, we 
need the following information.

Blood type (please check two):  A[ ]  B[ ]  AB[ ]  O[ ]  Other[ ]
                                     +[ ]  -[ ]  Other[ ]
If 'Other', please specify: _______ 
Special medical considerations: ________________________
Do you have any diseases transferrable 
through exposure to blood?  Y[ ]  N[ ]
If no, when were you last tested for such diseases? 
(MM/DD/YYYY) __/__/____
If yes, was whatever you did to get such diseases fun? Y[ ]  N[ ]

What's your current standing with Cthulhu?
Don't know him [ ]  Know of him [ ]  He knows me [ ] 
I've heard the call [ ]  I'm on his speed dial [ ] 

For what reason did you leave/do you wish to leave your previous posting? 
Discovered by do-gooders [ ]  Wish to expand horizons [ ]
Fellow member 'saved', fear for my safety [ ]
Moving, no local chapter in new town [ ]  
Dark Lord subsumed by other Dark Lord, unwilling to convert [ ]
Seeking Dark Lord more in tune with personal beliefs [ ]  Angst [ ]
Told to change by Tarot deck or other trusted magical implement [ ]
Old Dungeon Master on Gamma World kick, I prefer D&D [ ]
Chapter closed due to loss of members. [ ] (Please check one item below.)
... members lost to schism [ ]
... members lost to other evil organizations [ ]
... members lost to Christian organizations [ ]
... members lost to evil Christian organizations [ ]
... members lost to mass sacrifice and/or suicide pact [ ]
... members lost to 'suicide pact' that was actually bad potato salad [ ]

What other evil pastimes are you currently involved in?
Roleplaying [ ]  Crop circles [ ]  Fortune-telling [ ]
'Making people gay' [ ]  Subsidizing goths [ ]
Losing God [ ]  Bible mistranslation [ ]  Psychic surgery [ ]  
Exorcisms that go 'horribly wrong' [ ]  Tract writing [ ] 
Desecration [ ]  Prank-calling Jerry Falwell [ ]
Antichrist searching [ ]  Promoting general apathy [ ]
Telling hot chicks that Wiccanism mostly involves getting naked [ ] 
Leaving Ouija boards at disaster sites for news media to find [ ]
Heavy metal band member [ ]  Christian band member [ ]
Adding voiceovers to pornos and selling them as sex ed. videos [ ]
Making pornos for later voiceovering [ ]
Bodyguard for prominent atheist [ ]
Violent video games: Playing [ ]  Making [ ]
Adult book store owner: Near school [ ]  Near church [ ]

What other evil charities/groups do you support with your time and/or 
New 'Habitat for Humanity' spinoff, 'Abodes for Abortionists' [ ]
Pot for Tots [ ]  Bothered About Pat Pulling [ ]  Hot and Bothered [ ] 
Mile-High Club [ ]  Psychic Friends [ ]  Roman Catholic Church [ ]  
Wiccan Coven Local #638 [ ]  Teletubbies Anti-Defamation League [ ] 
Pro-environmental charities covertly run by Druids [ ] 
Pro-homosexual groups [ ]  ACLU [ ]  NOW [ ]  Shriners [ ]
MTV [ ]  Feed Lars/RIAA [ ]  Pet Shop Boys [ ]
The Archon
November 18, 2003 AD

Go back! Back I say!
Run along home.
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