A free plot for your favorite Clock.

If you don't know anything about the Clock Crew, this isn't going to make a lot of sense. Bear with me, though. Long, complex, ugly story made short: They make Shockwave Flash (SWF) animations and post them on Newgrounds. Other people review the posts. Occasionally, the event below happens. If bored, skip down a bit for the final MP3 product of all this ranting.

Disclaimer: I'm not ArchonClock. There is an ArchonClock, but it's not me. My nickname is Gnostic in origin, his is from StarCraft or some such. Though I did very much enjoy his music video A Clock's Riddle (love the song, though this dance mix is a bit overlong) and also the comedic Tail-Fu!. For some reason the two clocks in his grip crying (Wallpaper!) was oddly entertaining, much like I enjoyed making children cry in Kookin' Kidz, a game which needs to be expanded to include grovelling.

Hello, Clock Crew and various spinoffs! I'm writing this message to educate some of you less enlightened Crewsters who have made Flashes that are nothing but snide commentary about the reviews for your previous Flash. Allow me to tell you something, as a would-be author who has been rejected by editor types: Let it go. Please. You're not doing anyone any good by whining.

When I was rejected, did I immediately go off and write a vitriolic screed about the inability of the editor to know a masterwork when he saw it? Well, yes I did. However, it's what I did with it next that matters. I saved it to my hard drive, waited a week, then re-read it. I realized that a few of his complaints were valid, so I edited the screed down, acknowledging the complaints and toning things down. Then I did the same thing again. And I saw a few more complaints were valid. By the end of it, I was down to mostly matters of opinion about style and logistical problems neither of us could control. At that point I filed the thing away to some dark corner of my hard drive and forgot it.

Of course, Newgrounds reviews usually aren't by anyone intelligent enough to be an editor, or even a decent comatose hospital patient. Indeed, sometimes they're by people who seem so moronic that someone else must have turned on the PC, created the NG account, and brought up the posting screen. Then, the reviewer appeared and slammed a hammer on the keys S, U, C, K, and maybe Z.

Still, the point stands, for different reasons. Here, replying is just feeding trolls. AntiClockClock got away with it in The AntiClockClock Show by providing amusing original content and by mostly keeping to the knuckle-dragging reviewers, the ones so stupid that you couldn't help but laugh at them.

If ever you feel the need to make such a Flash, please don't. If you're in such a fit of creative frenzy that you simply must do something, then either get someone else to write the story or follow the time-honored Clock Crew tradition of parodying the opening of a cartoon. Or redo the opening credits to Mary Tyler Moore with clocks. Strawberry tosses his crown while Orange looks at him like he's nuts. No one's ever done that before, that I know of.

But if all that seems beneath you, and you want to do something now, I provide the following. A ready-made plot, in both text format (scroll down) and MP3 sound file. Just slice out the thick-French-accented narrator comments and draw moving pictures to replace it. Now you have absolutely no excuse to make a review-based Flash. So stop making them.

Oh, as to the MP3 itself.... Is it good? Not really. For one, I didn't bother doing any pitch variance, so all the lines are even more deadpan than you'd expect from a bunch of speech synthesis machines nattering at each other.

This was really just a vehicle to cram all the Clock Crew standards into as small a space as possible. Outtakes, one bit of gratuitious profanity, excessive violence, a NefClock* cameo, a reference to internal Clock Crew strife, all of Strawberry's cliches.... The nudity's a bit uncommon, but it's all off the viewing screen. (No viewing screen, after all. Just zoom your mind's eye in a bit so you can't see the naughty bits. I presume a talking banana's genitals are low to the ground.)

(*Nef seems to be one of the most common camoes because she's a talented Flash artist. Or because she's a 19 year old with a sexy British accent in an group dominated by males still in the hormone blur of early/mid teens. But no one's desperately trying to get her attention with the cameos, nope. Not me, either. Nope.)

For those who give a toss about this sort of thing: I burned ten minutes of my brain's timesharing feature thinking of a quick plot and another half-hour getting Speakonia and a bunch of voice packs installed on my XP partition. A bit more time pieceing it together, adding sound effects hastily grabbed from various parts of the Internet, etc., and here you have some lame humor for all to enjoy.

Oh, and read along below if you listen to the MP3 - trust me. Between the abuse to make the narrator speak English, and the generally hard-to-hear PC speech, you need subtitles.

NARRATOR: Hello. I am your narrator for this story, because the writer is too lazy to learn Flash.

NARRATOR: One day, in Clock Crew HQ, Strawberry Clock was being incomprehensible.

STRAWBERRY: I want to drive!

PINEAPPLE: You don't have a license, my king.

STRAWBERRY: I don't mean cars, I mean female clock booty.

PINEAPPLE: Oh. Well, you don't have a license for that, either.

STRAWBERRY: I'm king of the portal. I should have a queen. Or a harem. After all, when it comes to women, I'm freakin' Super Mario.

PINEAPPLE: Yes, my king. But there's only a handful of women in Clocktopia. And I think the only one who would consent to anything would be Kumquat, and only because she's drunk.

KUMQUAT: (Staggering by.) Wooo, shoot me with your rhythm stick, wooo baby wooo!

STRAWBERRY: She makes less sense than I do!

PINEAPPLE: Yes, my king.

STRAWBERRY: But why wouldn't women want to get it on with me? Look at this!

(Sound of zipper unzipping.)

RANDOM CLOCKS: Woah.... Eeeee.... Argh....

KUMQUAT: I'd rather watch Goatse.

(Sound of zipper zipping.)

STRAWBERRY: You're all crazy. I'm going out to get busy with my magic love machine.

(Sound of a door closing.)

NARRATOR: Just outside HQ, Strawberry runs into Nef.

("Thud" sound.)

NEF: Ow!

STRAWBERRY: Oh, hello, Nef. I was just showing my 'red and green mile' to those ingrates, but they didn't like it. Want to see?

NEF: If you or any other clock attempt to show me anything of the sort, I will beat it to a pulp with this hammer which I carry at all times.

STRAWBERRY: Errr.... Stay here for a minute.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in the dungeons under Clock Crew HQ, Banana Clock digs a tunnel.

BANANA: Soon, I will be free of this dungeon and will be able to take over the portal!

STRAWBERRY: (Distant.) Banana Clock? I'm letting you go.

BANANA: I'd better get back to my cell before he catches me!

(Zoom sound.)

BANANA: You're setting me free?

STRAWBERRY: What's wrong with you? You look shorter, like you're standing in a hole.

BANANA: Er, I've been exercising.

STRAWBERRY: Oh. Well, come on. (Cell door opens.) You're going free, and getting compensated for your time in jail. Nef wants to give you something.


STRAWBERRY: A banging.

BANANA: Really?

STRAWBERRY: Yes. The banging of your life. A banging like you've never had before. She's right outside. Just whip it out and tell her to give it to you.


(Sound of a door closing.)

NEF: Banana Clock!

(Sound of zipper unzipping.)

BANANA: Hey, babe, give it to me!

(Sound of a hammer hitting. Sound of a thud.)


NEF: Ah, mashed banana.

(Sound of a door closing. Why doesn't the door ever open?)

STRAWBERRY: Banana Clock, there's two lessons to be learned.

STRAWBERRY: Lesson A... Never mess around with a woman carrying a hammer.

STRAWBERRY: And lesson B-B-B-B... Strawberry Clock is the king of the portal.


NARRATOR: Outtakes and gratuitous cameos, part one. Banana Clock inadvertently digs his tunnel under Redneck Clock's outhouse.

BANANA: You're setting me free?

STRAWBERRY: What's wrong with you? You're covered in shit.

BANANA: Er, I've been exercising.


NARRATOR: Outtakes and gratuitous cameos, part two. Nef fails the carpentry exam.

NEF: Banana Clock!

(Sound of zipper unzipping.)

BANANA: Hey, babe, give it to me!

(Sound of a hammer hitting.)

NEF: Damn! I missed!

(Sound of a hammer hitting.)

NEF: Damn!

(Sound of a hammer hitting.)

NEF: Bugger it!

(Sound of a hammer hitting.)

NEF: Why are you so bloody small, anyway?

BANANA: That hurts more than the hammer.

The Archon
September 10, 2004 AD

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